On Thursday, I was supposed to go out with the U Chi physics professor. His “date idea” was to get ice cream and walk around the lakeshore at 8:30 at night on a Thursday. He is 6’3” and his only hobbies are jiu jitsu and krav maga. During happy hour, my coworkers and I made so many elaborate jokes about him murdering me at the lakefront that I ended up blowing him off.
Instead, Nick had texted me asking what I was doing. I invited myself over and we watched Netflix, had sex, and he drove me home at 6:00 in the morning before clinic. Nick is a med student who goes to clinic five days a week. He is really handsome and smart and, as Caitlin points out, likely mentally stable (he’s in his third or fourth year). I can’t quantify the reason, but I really liked him. Probably because he seems normal and sweet/thoughtful. For example, he said if I stay over more, he will give me his spare keys so I can sleep in when he goes to clinic. He invited me over again last night. He fell asleep in my lap while I watched television and then we both went to bed. He drove me home at 7:30 before he had to go to class. To be honest, I am so disillusioned over dating and men at this point that I feel emotionally dead inside. But maybe something good will come of this(?)
Not going to lie, tonight is the first time I have cried-cried about things with J in months. The drinking didn’t help. The blogging didn’t help. The reflection on the summer’s other dudes didn’t help. Today’s STD test at Planned Parenthood didn’t help.
I am almost always ok with being alone and usually prefer it, but goddamn.
If you aren’t listening to this at least ten times a day, anticipating her newest album, what ARE you doing?
from the album ‘ruins’ available 10/31
Also, I realize this sounds terrible, but I am saying it anyways: Sometimes you find yourself surrounded by people who bring out the worst in you. People who, when you share a vulnerability- pounce on it. People who hear your concern about substance abuse or eating disorders, and then only exacerbate it. People who take your very genuine and sound fear and dismantle it instead of understanding it. These people could be your closest friends, and yet you see this in them. It changes nothing. You think acknowledging it is enough. You think occasionally limiting your time together is enough. You see the issue, you try to adapt. But sometimes it takes them moving across the country for you to feel relief.
I can’t really talk about work here because I imagine that it violates every ethical rule possible, but I will say this- I went to law school hoping to do the most intellectually challenging work I could find and it’s only Day 9 but I’m elated with my decisions thus far. The increasing number of tasks assigned and level of responsibility have been intoxicating. I can genuinely say I love working, at least at the moment. And it’s been keeping me somewhat wholesome, at least at the moment.
Wow. How I just now discovered all those inbox messages is beyond me. Good work, self.
So Mert (the guy I liked the most from this summer) told me that he went home to Turkey to visit his sick dad and then when he returned and I asked how he was he said he “needed time” because being home fucked him him (or something, I am paraphrasing). I assumed that was an excuse, but then decided it wasn’t because that is a fucked up thing to lie about. Now, given more time and distance, I don’t care. Fuck him. He told me this weekend he “didn’t want to see anyone” and that I was “really smart and one of the sexiest women” he’s ever met. He then sent a few things about breaking my heart and #feelings. I wanted to link him to the GQ quote where Kanye says he isn’t allowed to have feelings, but I decided against it. Deleted.
Michael is still deeply enamored but is nuts and racist and misogynistic. When I got into Chicago and didn’t hang out with him immediately, I woke up to a handful of “fuck you”s which i promptly chastised him for. Over it.
The U of Chi physics professor and I are supposed to go out tomorrow. I’m double booked for tomorrow, but I will probably make time. I like the idea of him.
This med student Nick seems fun too. He wants to hang out Friday or this weekend. He also wanted to hang out tonight but had to be up at 5:00. He still invited me over, but no thanks.
Honestly, via Tinder, there are a zillion guys. This is just a brief update on the most recent happenings.
Christ almighty- also- my friend who I had not seen in six years visited Chicago for work and invited me out. I went out with him and his coworkers and the first night was wild/fun. The second night was wild/fun, more intense because it was just us, but ultimately really great. The third night I went out to dinner with him and his clients (all older white dudes, married). One of them told Simon he would purchase extra products if Simon would send him pictures of me. UGHHHHH. That was the beginning of the end. Also, by the end of day 3, Simon became super attached. After we parted ways, he asked me if I still liked him and said he wasn’t “needy” we just hadn’t talked in a day (not true). Red flags everywhere. I’ve been doing my best to ignore him, but he has a pair of earrings I would like mailed back to me.
This dating stuff has been in the background recently, I just wanted to update this for my own purposes. Work has been incredible thus far, intellectually challenging just as I had hoped. Being enraptured by my job, I haven’t drank or done drugs in four days and I imagine that will be the sort of schedule I’ll settle into- working a lot, necessitating my non-work activities around working a lot. I’m fine with that. I look forward to it. I need the artificiality of a job, I need the structure of something imposed on me. Otherwise, I end up in a black hole. Tonight I made last minute plans with my friend and then cancelled them after receiving an email from the partner running my project- he needed me to draft his opening argument and it was due in the morning to the client. I was happy to help and happy to hear that I deserved such responsibility.