Waxahatchee - Swan Dive
Won’t you sleep with me every night for a week,
Won’t you just let me pretend this is the love I need
Once I got too fucked up and told my boyfriend I had a foot fetish. I only realized this the next day when he started sucking my toes and telling me how hot it was that I had this kink. I let him think I had a foot fetish thing our entire relationship (4 years). To be clear, I don’t have a foot fetish thing.
It’s been like this since I left his place. He was a Syrian Jew who looked like Drake. He put himself in my phone as “adam acid dude drake.” He was so attractive. Sigh.
Last night Zoe and I went out with her friend Jeff. He brought a friend, Adam, who was tripping on acid. I don’t usually like these weird double dates, Zoe is very gregarious and stereotypically hot, I’m quiet and “pretty.” I’m not one to compete. Plus double dates feel like arranged marriages or something (better hope you like your assigned man!). Anyways- Adam and I ended up clicking and we left. We went to his place in Astoria and made out in the cab. I wore his clothes around the apartment while we talked. We talked and had sex until after sunrise. He had breakfast delivered to us and we cuddled and talked until 2 pm when I had to leave to catch my train. He very seriously said he wanted to stay in contact and has been texting me all day. Every time he kissed me, he asked “Can I kiss you?” before proceeding. He was by far the most attractive guy I’ve ever slept with.
I’ll admit: in everyday life, I’m not a consistent friend. I cancel plans all the time - more often than not. I always feel guilt and regret over it, but these feelings have never been motivation to change. I have always been this way. It’s because I like being alone too much, and it’s about having control over my time. My friends know this about me, and they accept it, but I really hurt their feelings sometimes.
This is the embodiment of me. My close friends know this about me and accept it, but I occasionally feel terrible about it. Then I try to (over)compensate by paying for things. Today I paid for a $40 cab ride as a pseudo-apology for being hours late. I can’t really afford to do such things, but like I said, I feel bad.